Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
