we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
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Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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