smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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