I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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