i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
