I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
