I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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