I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
