So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
