im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
