yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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