literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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