im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
