just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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