Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
