i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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