could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
