My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
