When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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