Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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