If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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