There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
