I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
