Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
