I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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