Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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