so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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