I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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