my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize
