Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
