he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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