I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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