Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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