I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
