just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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