I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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