when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
