i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
