I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
