Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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