i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
