It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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