I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
