i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
how drunk are you?
Several
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
