I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
