He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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