There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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