Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Enjoy the penises
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
