i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
