Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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