420 ftw
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
3pm strippers are depressing
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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