i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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