A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
