So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
