I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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